Archive for November, 2008

free . to . choose

November 30th, 2008

free . to . choose, originally uploaded by s t e r n f a h r e r.

There’s a hum in the air. I’m sure I can hear it. I can feel it. It’s so loud, it hurts my mind. I’m numb, I can’t take my mind off it, I don’t know what to do about it. No one can help me. No one else can even hear it. I’m writing this down. In the middle of nowhere, in the middle of notime, with no thought in my head. Only the humming in the air around me, and footsteps approaching.

Who is it? I can’t see. It’s dark. “Who is it!?”, I shout. The darkness laughs back in silence. Am I awake, or is this a dream? What does it mean, to be awake, if this is being awake? What does it mean to be dreaming, if this is a dream? If this is a dream, whose dream is it? It can’t be mine. It must be someone else’s dream. But how can that be? Can you be awake, can you be aware, in someone else’s dream?

The mind shudders to accept what should not be.

A light approaches. No. It’s not approaching. It’s fading away. Should I follow? I’m afraid. Being in the darkness for so long I now fear the light. Do I stay here and wait? Do I follow the light?

I move towards it. The hum grows stronger. Am I doing the right thing? The hum reverberates in my head. The light dancing on my eyes breathes new horror with each flicker. But it’s all in my mind. I’m sure I have to follow this light. I walk.

There’s a door, made of blinding light. I walk through. It’s light everywhere. Bright, white, blinding light. I keep walking. I look around, I look back. There’s nothing there. It’s all light now. Only a speck of darkness in all of it. The dark door from which I emerged.

The humming starts again. It dawns on me then. I am lost.

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washing the dishes and taking out the trash

November 29th, 2008

So usually we have a bai who comes home, twice a day. She comes every morning around 7:45 a.m.

She starts by bringing in the clothes from the clothesline. Then she turns off my fan (very annoying, if I’m still in bed — she loves traumatizing me, I sometimes refer to her as the ravenous bugblatter beast of traal) and then heads on to the kitchen, where she does the dishes. Then she starts dusting around the house, sweeps and swobs, and takes out the trash. She finishes her work in about an hour and a half.

She comes again in the evening, to do the dishes once again; and then the routine begins again.

The point is, we aren’t really cleanliness freaks. We like a clean house, and so it’s a routine that we follow, (claims of labor rights and payment aside. I dunno what we pay her, but I assume we don’t scrimp on it.) and the house is pretty well maintained.

So when I hear the Pakistan foreign minister saying that he would like to see proof of the involvement of Lashkar or any other terrorist organization within their boundaries, before taking action against them, it ticks me off.

You don’t need your neighbor coming on over, knocking on your door, and telling you that there’s a right nasty stench emanating from your home, (coming in under his door and through his window, and he knows this for sure because the forensic guy he called to investigate said so) before you take out the trash, do you?

It can’t be all that hard to turn off Animal Planet, or whatever TV you’re watching, put the kebabs and faux Coke or whatever down on the table for a minute, get your ass up, and take out the trash, can it?

Same goes for the Indian Government, and the issues we’ve got in-house. I mean, stop finding reasons things CAN’T BE DONE. Impossible is only the lack of imagination, incentive, and most importantly, intent.

The Challenge of Terrorism?
Organized Crime?
Education?
Vaccination of kids?
Basic Provision of Food, Clothes and Shelter to each Citizen?
Protection of the Human Rights of Citizens?
Prevention of Violence and Crime?
Development of Infrastructure?
Promotion of a Diverse, Progressive Society?

Does any government actually have to be TOLD to do this? Doesn’t it come as a part of the job description? Does the Indian Government have to have it’s ATS chief assassinated before it figures it should invest in giving the police proper bulletproof vests? Does the Pakistani Government need proof of the actions of what it acknowledges is a terrorist organization, before it takes action against it? Shouldn’t acknowledgment of the nature of the organization be enough?

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such a perfect day

November 28th, 2008

Today’s going to be perfect, I know it. I just confirmed my reservation… I have it all planned out. We’re meeting at Wasabi today, she loves Japanese food; and then again, it’s where we had our first real date. I went and bought her an engagement ring yesterday, I hope she likes it. I’m so nervous. I know it will be OK. I know she’ll say yes, I’m so sure. Today’s going to be perfect, I know it.

Today’s going to be terrible, I know it. She’s going to visit her mother for two weeks. I’m going to be so lonely without her. It hasn’t quite sunk in yet. I’ve taken a half day today, so I can spend some more time with her and see her to the station in the evening. CST. Why does it have to be at the other end of town? Countless hours lost in travel, hours I’d want to rather spend in quiet with her. But I’ll do my best, every last moment counts. Today’s going to be terrible, I know it.

Today’s going to be awesome, I totally know it. Not that it could go any other way, you understand. I graduated top of my class, and am going for an interview today. It’s at the Taj. You can’t begin to imagine how excited I am… This is a place I have never been to. Mum bought me a new shirt, wishing me luck. I’m so excited. Today’s going to be awesome, I totally know it.

Today’s been good so far. No major flare-ups, no major troubles. The politicians are still on my case about that whole nationalist affair, but then, that’s the price you have to pay for telling the truth. Some clown threatened to kill me, but nothing on that either. Just a few more hours for the day to end. Today’s been good so far.

Today’s been so good. Came down from London yesterday. And here I am, at one of the Greatest Hotels in the World. So much history, so much grandeur. This place is breath-taking. I meet investors tonight. This is where it all comes together. My legacy. Today’s going to be so great.

Today’s been pretty nice. Work was the usual, 8 parts mundane, 1 part exciting, 1 part idiotic. Is that what they meant by the 80-20 rule in school? Well that’s not quite right. More like 80-10-10. Point is, work’s been mundane so far. I like her, I think I do. We spoke a bit today, and that probably redeemed the day. Today’s been pretty nice. I think I’ll take a drive on Chowpatty, and just think about things for a bit.

Today’s been pretty hectic. We had class all day, and project work for hours thereafter. No time to think, and my Master’s application looks like it’s getting nowhere atm. I really need to get some time off, some time to myself. Dad called, asking when I’d get home. I’m done and ready to go home, but don’t quite feel like it yet. Think I’ll take a stroll down Chowpatty for a bit. Today’s been pretty hectic.

Today had better be good. He has such a temper, but I’ve managed to get him to finish work early. It’s our anniversary today. We’ve been married five years. I’ve made a reservation at Tiffin. He really loves the place, and it’s close to work, so he won’t be fussy about the travel. Last time we were there, though, he wasn’t really happy with the service. I even told the manager when I made the reservation. Today had better be good.

Today’s going to be so sad. I’ve lived in this city for the last three years, as I worked on my degree. I’ve graduated now, and need to return home for a bit. I’ve met so many fantastic people here, had such a great life here, I can’t stand the thought of leaving. The city’s always bursting with energy and life. All my friends are coming to see me off. Today’s going to be so sad.

Today’s been pretty dull. These SSC classes are really taking their toll on me. I didn’t really sign up for this level of rigor. I just wanna go home. College is in Sion. My classes are in Vile Parle, and I live in Borivli. I do the best I can, but it never really feels good enough. Think I’ll go grab a bite at Jumbo Vada Pav outside the station when these classes end. Mum and Dad are out of town, and I don’t really feel like making food today. Today’s been pretty dull.

Today’s been terrible. Work sucked, and she wouldn’t speak to me. I don’t know what else I can do. Maybe work sucked because she wouldn’t speak to me. I don’t know, I don’t know any more. Think I’ll go over to Leopold’s with some friends, and just get drunk. Today’s been terrible.

Today’s been just another day. No more bar dancers to ban, no random biharis to be shot down (what kind of dumb guy was that anyways? Kya usse pata nahi tha, ki hum goli ka jawaab goli se deenge?.) Same old, same old. Today’s been just another day.

Today’s the day we’ve been waiting for. Our revenge, for our people. Why? Who cares? They will all pay. For what, I probably have no idea. Why, I probably don’t know. What right do they have to be happy? What right do they have to live and prosper? Why should they not be held responsible for their happiness, their lives, their prosperity. They will pay, all of them. Today’s the day we’ve been waiting for.

We’re at Leopold’s now. I ordered a beer, Ok, I ordered three. I can take five times that much, it’s all good. Oh no. Today’s been terrible.

Today’s been pretty nice so far. But wait. There’s a call. It seems someone’s been in a shootout at Leopold’s. Come on boys, suit up. No one messes with my city.

Today’s been terrible. We were stuck in traffic for hours. I barely got to say goodbye, the train’s just left. I look around now, and see other people saying their goodbyes too. Is it this hard for everyone? Oh no. I hope she’ll be OK. Today’s been terrible.

Today’s been so sad. We just got here, and we’re saying our goodbyes. I’m going to miss all these people so much. Oh no. What’s going on? Today’s been so sad.

Today’s been so hectic. This walk was just what I needed. The cool Mumbai sea breeze. It’s the best thing about the city. I love this place. I hear sirens. Must be some VIP coming again. Wait. There’s gunshots. Oh no.

Today’s been terrible. I’m driving down Marine Drive now, still wondering why she wouldn’t speak to me. Or maybe it’s work that’s worrying me. In these economic times, “investment banker” isn’t the best job description to have. But we’ll smooth things over, ride out the storm, come out the other end. We always do. Wait. what’s that? Oh no. Today’s been terrible.

This day just got interesting. We have no time for back-up. These guys are serious. It may be dangerous, but then, that’s why I signed up for this job, to keep these freaks off my city’s streets. I’m going in.

She’s sitting across me now. We’re at Wasabi. She looks gorgeous today. I’m so lucky. My palms are sweating, I’m really nervous. She even said I’m being a bit strange today. I can’t possibly be so nervous. Things will work out. I know it. Today’s going to be perfect.

So I met my to-be employer, I totally nailed it with the handshake. I know it’s going to be awesome. Oh no. What’s that happening? Oh no.

I greeted my guests at the lobby. They seem to be excited, too. This is my moment. Today’s going to be great. What’s that sound? Oh no.

I’ve been shot thrice in the chest. These guys were prepared and well armed. I shot one, but I don’t know if I managed to kill him. I hope they get him. They won’t be allowed to mess with this city. We won’t let them.

The dinner’s going fine so far. The manager has been extra-careful since I warned him. Oh no. There’s gunmen in the room. They’re covered with blood, not their own. Oh no.

Gunmen opened fire in the hotel. I don’t know what’s going on. They took us through the kitchen, we’re hiding in the safe room now. I hope it’ll be OK. For her, for myself, for all of us. We can hear footsteps. They are coming. Save us, someone, please.

I just heard about the incidents in the city. No bar dancers to tackle, no petty criminals. These are organized terrorists. What do we do now?

We’re making our last stand. Everyone else is dead. But we showed them. We showed them they don’t deserve to be happy, or to have wonderful, fulfilling lives. Who did they think they were? We showed them. We brought them into our own personal hell.

And though the small battles might be won, everyone’s lost. The World might change forever, or it may remain the same. There is no justification for terrorism. There never has been, there never will be.

“Forgive them father, for they know not what they do,” he once said. We take that back today, in the name of all civilization. Amen.

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