“I understand, all right. The hopeless dream of being – not seeming, but being. At every waking moment, alert. The gulf between what you are with others and what you are alone. The vertigo and the constant hunger to be exposed, to be seen through, perhaps even annihilated. Every inflection and every gesture a lie, every smile a grimace.
Suicide? No, too vulgar. But you can refuse to move, refuse to talk, so that you don’t have to lie. You can shut yourself in. Then you needn’t play any parts or make wrong gestures. Or so you thought. But reality is diabolical. Your hiding place isn’t watertight. Life trickles in from the outside, and you’re forced to react. No one asks if it is true or false, if you’re genuine or just a sham.
Such things matter only in the theatre, and hardly there either. I understand why you don’t speak, why you don’t move, why you’ve created a part for yourself out of apathy. I understand. I admire. You should go on with this part until it is played out, until it loses interest for you. Then you can leave it, just as you’ve left your other parts one by one.”
– The Doctor, Persona, Ingmar Bergman
these last months have been very traumatic, largely due to factors outside my control. the problem lies with the University itself, which is hard to deal with or work through, as the bureaucratic obstacles seem endless; and yet it is a problem that must be solved.
yet, it will all be over soon, hopefully, and other journeys already beckon. just need to sort this one out.
… can control a thing”– Frank Herbert, Dune â€œI must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear… And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.â€ – Frank Herbert, Dune